The world is filled with all kinds of people, many of them are "Do undo others as they would have others do unto them". Unfortunately there are also people who have the attitude, "Do unto others before they get a chance to do it to you." So much goes into who we were, are and will end up being in our lives.
I've observed a man and his wife in a store buying groceries and it's clear she is subservient to his every wish but certainly not in any good way. I've watched as she tries to please him with picking out fruit or vegetables, meat and bread. You can see that what she does is never good enough or right to him. She lives in a constant state of fear. I've wondered, "If it's like that now, what's it like at home and do they have kids who work at pleasing him too?" I call him, or that kind of personality the "Sadistic Narcissist".
Whether he's a Spanker or into BDSM, or just plain Vanilla, he's the kind of guy that gives the rest of us men a bad name. The world revolves around him and when it doesn't he gets upset and strikes out. When you have a Spanker or BDSM'er who is the "Sadistic Narcissist" it's got to be worse. I've met that kind of Spanker. He's a Spanker because that's how he "thinks" he controls his anger. But it's not just anger it's that HE comes first. Everything is about pleasing him for the sake of pleasing him. He believes he's more worthy than anyone else and deserves first and foremost attention. In reality he's more of a child and insecure than anything. But when that child gets angry watch out.
Look for the signs, if you're a submissive seeking a Dominant. A Loving Dominant spanks to correct a behavior the submissive has and wants corrected. The SN (Sadistic Narcissist) spanks or hits because anything you do could set him off. A Loving Dominant lets you know what you could and would get spanked for and the SN loves to keep you guessing. The Loving Dominant isn't lurking around every corner to find an excuse to abuse. A Loving Dominant doesn't abuse.
I suppose the list of Does and Don'ts can go on and on. The fact too is that many people who aren't Spankers would say spanking is abusive. For me and my household spanking isn't abusive and never will be.